My whole life I have always fallen short… and while I used to care what others thought or said about me, I’m my own worst critique.
I’m a perfectionist and set the bar for myself in a way that I can never attain… and because of that, my life has been riddled with good intentions.
I HATE good intentions… and the worst part about them is they’re good. I mean, I have some pretty great ideas… there are so many things I wish I could do, and not selfishly… but for others… but the more I do, the more I think of doing and my life feels more and more like one big good intention and quite frankly, there are times I feel absolutely depressed about it.
How is it that there are so many good things to do… and never enough time to do it? I know people have said, “it’s just a season” and yet, seasons change and I find myself still drowning in my good intentions.
I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have my children talk of all the things Mom wanted to do… because really, for anything I may ever do that’s good, if at the end of my life my husband and children have nothing good to say… well, then I failed.
Planting a church is a big deal… doing anything in ministry is a big deal… bringing the message of Jesus is a big deal… and while God called my husband and I (as well as our family) to plant a church, He also wants us to keep our priorities straight. That’s hard for anyone I’m sure… but I’ve realized more and more recently, that with 10 children (9 still at home), the hardest thing for me to do right now isn’t the stuff for church, but instead, keeping my family together and functioning. I have 9 beautiful faces I see every day in my home that I have taken for granted with all of my good intentions, and it’s time to make a change. They are the greatest thing I’ve ever done on this earth (besides marry their dad).
And so, because I know God wants my priorities to be: Him first, my husband second, my children third, and THEN ministry… I am taking a break from the “public eye” to focus on the order God wants in my life… and figure out how to make our ministry function in a way that’s pleasing to God without consuming the things God wants to come first, because I don’t want to live a life of regrets or good intentions. I want to do the right thing… even when it’s hard… because my family is a gift from God that I don’t ever want to take for granted.
